wanting hours

its friday night. im sitting at home listening to Disintegration, drinking a green apple smirnoff.
the thing I hate about going out is that trapped feeling... realizing you have to spend the next couple of hours with the same people and either entertain and be entertained by them... or the exhausting feat of pretending to be entertained. i don't know.. i guess I'm just hopeless. I want to run around in the dark outside.. maybe I will. I have to start working out again and take a break from this inner monologue. Before I moved here I was running and weightlifting atleast 3 days a week and felt great.. I love looking at my own muscles, watching the light play on them and feel their forms. I don't think its narcassistic, I think it's beautiful to be human.

anyways... school went by pretty smoothly. I was in one of those floaty moods where I can make light conversation but still remain focused on being myself and my goals. I really want to become a great artist.

I want to start a band more, though.
Fuck. These dreams haunt me. Do I only get one life to figure this out....

I'm running out of time
and out of step
I'm closing down
never sleep the wanting hours
the empty hours of grief
and uselessly
always the need
to feel again the real belief
something more than mockery
if only i could fill
my Heart with love