day

walks in the sun are all i need
everything is perfect
i was listening to autechre and type-o-negative
losing myself in the monstrous powerlines vanishing into the horizon
imagining the future

nostalgic ocean

it seems I am always haunted by a select few memories of times in my life. each time feeling like a seperate life or existence. one is my young childhood, running around the backyard at night playing with my brother and sisters. oh the fun we had. also lately I've been reminiscing about fishing with my pepiere on the lake. Life was encapsulated in a warm little ball of light, where experience rolled over me in pleasant waves and I was always being directed to where I needed to be, showered with care, and floating in imagination.

the other time I frequently dwell over, still with fascination, is my much more rapturous young-adult years.. or whatever you want to call them. it's like a montage of images and feelings. Being with friends in those secret places, doing acid at night and running around the city, lost in a world of wonder. Being at parties and concerts with all that young energy exploding everywheres. Super Mario Brothers 3, And always my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend now), like an angel, her face is is everywhere smiling, leading me into our secret night. She is like a star and I know I'll never get over that memory, even though its been like 5 years now.

things were so care-free then. my mom was taking care of me and I was running off into the sunset every evening to feel the mystery.

I guess over the past couple years I've been in that stressful place of letting go of my care-free lifestyle, in other words, moving towards money and responsibility, and perhaps learning to be a stronger wiser person somewheres in between. It's been sort of an identity crisis... though I guess I've had that problem for awhile. This fucked up society loves to fuck with someone who won't promptly find a "spot". Anyways, its been alot of school and shitty jobs, and now I'm in a pretty comfortable spot in grad school, though probably about 50k in debt by the time I'm done.

sometimes I feel like these are silly memories to hang onto, and sometimes I feel that ultimately the truth of who I am lies in what moves me most, and if for the moment it is this memory than maybe I have yet to learn something from it about myself.

but now.. presently, I feel powerful, like through all this weird shit, I can still see and feel what's important. Sun, healthy food, nature, the wind, the ability to run and jump and play, the pursuit of love and mystery, the earth. It's all around me and I still haven't forgotten that.

I'm only 24 now... I am so curious to see where I will be in 10 years.. it makes me laugh just thinking about it. I really hope the right woman comes along to straighten me out.

ah... my heart just throbs at those hidden places

nothing

Where am I going.. who do I trust, who are my friends?
Why does the mind desperately seek out abstract answers to abstract questions...
But.. what do I pursue... what direction. The question is always looming.. going away and coming back. What does it mean to be in the world?

Just my own thoughts playing with me I guess. I try to pay less attention to my thoughts day by day. They seem to get in the way more than anything, slow me down. If life is movement, my "talking" thoughts are usually stagnant. Dynamic thought has a way of flowing too fast for words, though still remaining symbolic in nature. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about...

I feel surrounded by the shit of the world, yet still free and light-hearted as a child. I can enjoy a simple breeze immensely, as if it is heaven, and then fall into a dark hole thinking about something negative.. I suppose one goal of mine would be to cease all self-focused thought. It is just rarely ever.. fun. Beliefs are baggage. Rusty iron things being dragged around by chains.

it is truly pathetic the way the mind tries to organize and categorize life.

desert dream

I had a mysterious dream the other night. I was looking upon this strange polygonal desert landscape. There were fields of sand, and a pyramid floating in the distance, as well as a character looking forward aiming a bow made up of many rectangles as if it were extremely pixelated.

But the really bizarre part was this structure that loomed just in the background.. these big blocks stacked upon each other and a geometric face was on top... square eyes, a big smile, and a weird set of horns that reminded me of Hopi drawings.
I think it was mostly inspired by the Desert level in Mario Galaxy which really struck a chord in me.

But anyways, I attempted to recreate the scene in 3DStudioMax, and I think the block statue looks fairly accurate. I wish I had more dreams like this.

wanting hours

its friday night. im sitting at home listening to Disintegration, drinking a green apple smirnoff.
the thing I hate about going out is that trapped feeling... realizing you have to spend the next couple of hours with the same people and either entertain and be entertained by them... or the exhausting feat of pretending to be entertained. i don't know.. i guess I'm just hopeless. I want to run around in the dark outside.. maybe I will. I have to start working out again and take a break from this inner monologue. Before I moved here I was running and weightlifting atleast 3 days a week and felt great.. I love looking at my own muscles, watching the light play on them and feel their forms. I don't think its narcassistic, I think it's beautiful to be human.

anyways... school went by pretty smoothly. I was in one of those floaty moods where I can make light conversation but still remain focused on being myself and my goals. I really want to become a great artist.

I want to start a band more, though.
Fuck. These dreams haunt me. Do I only get one life to figure this out....

I'm running out of time
and out of step
I'm closing down
never sleep the wanting hours
the empty hours of grief
and uselessly
always the need
to feel again the real belief
something more than mockery
if only i could fill
my Heart with love

dreams of city

ive always loved old empty urban areas. cracked concrete walls with foliage creeping over it. city plazas late at night, quiet sidewalks bathed in golden streetlight. huge buildlings leaning out into the night sky, buzzing with ambient electricity.

moving over the world

walking the mile to school every morning with my headphones on is complete bliss. it's been slightly cool and windy lately. strangers in cars swim passed me, far away in my mind. i feel the rhythm of the earth hitting my feet.

when i get to class, everything is hot and stuffy, surrounded by classmates. im either in the mood to talk to them, or totally not...

there is one beautiful girl in class. oh, she drives me insane, she has the sweetest innocent face, huge eyes, small little voice, and a perfect voluptuos body that I just want to experience all day. yea..

now im back in my apartment complex, thinking, listening to music... i'd like to do something radical I guess...