nostalgic ocean

it seems I am always haunted by a select few memories of times in my life. each time feeling like a seperate life or existence. one is my young childhood, running around the backyard at night playing with my brother and sisters. oh the fun we had. also lately I've been reminiscing about fishing with my pepiere on the lake. Life was encapsulated in a warm little ball of light, where experience rolled over me in pleasant waves and I was always being directed to where I needed to be, showered with care, and floating in imagination.

the other time I frequently dwell over, still with fascination, is my much more rapturous young-adult years.. or whatever you want to call them. it's like a montage of images and feelings. Being with friends in those secret places, doing acid at night and running around the city, lost in a world of wonder. Being at parties and concerts with all that young energy exploding everywheres. Super Mario Brothers 3, And always my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend now), like an angel, her face is is everywhere smiling, leading me into our secret night. She is like a star and I know I'll never get over that memory, even though its been like 5 years now.

things were so care-free then. my mom was taking care of me and I was running off into the sunset every evening to feel the mystery.

I guess over the past couple years I've been in that stressful place of letting go of my care-free lifestyle, in other words, moving towards money and responsibility, and perhaps learning to be a stronger wiser person somewheres in between. It's been sort of an identity crisis... though I guess I've had that problem for awhile. This fucked up society loves to fuck with someone who won't promptly find a "spot". Anyways, its been alot of school and shitty jobs, and now I'm in a pretty comfortable spot in grad school, though probably about 50k in debt by the time I'm done.

sometimes I feel like these are silly memories to hang onto, and sometimes I feel that ultimately the truth of who I am lies in what moves me most, and if for the moment it is this memory than maybe I have yet to learn something from it about myself.

but now.. presently, I feel powerful, like through all this weird shit, I can still see and feel what's important. Sun, healthy food, nature, the wind, the ability to run and jump and play, the pursuit of love and mystery, the earth. It's all around me and I still haven't forgotten that.

I'm only 24 now... I am so curious to see where I will be in 10 years.. it makes me laugh just thinking about it. I really hope the right woman comes along to straighten me out.

ah... my heart just throbs at those hidden places